Blah.

           I am starting to higly regret starting this project.I have almost lost all interest in this novel completely. I want to scratch everything I have written and start over with a brand new concept. I thought it was such a grand idea, but I can not make myself write at all. I do not know if I am just reluctant to do it. It feels like im stuck in a mud pit trying to crawl to the other side. I am already stuck in it but it is so hard to go through the muck I want to give up. I am still however in the mudpit so I have to get out I can not just stay where I am. I think maybe I have become bored with my writing. Reading and seeing how some of the  other writers are portraying their stories really makes me question mine.
           Some other writers are halfway through their novels and are still trucking on strong. While me on the other hand is at Chapter 11 and I am struggling to even write a sentence. It is almost like I feel I am repeating the same thing over and over. The writer I think will be bored if I continue on this pattern. I have also despite my best trys made Keira into a whiny character. Which is not what I wanted at all. I did not want Keira to express her sad emotions very often. I guess that becomes difficult because I am writing in first person... Anyway my point is that I am grinding tooth and nail to even write this project. Right now I am ready to throw it in the trash bin and move on. Hopefully my mood will change.
            Excerpt:

The school board has given us two weeks. Just two weeks to not be permitted to attend school. They suggest this will be enough time for a grieving period. But really it is just enough time for the bleach smell to descend after cleaning up the blood. Every day we do not attend school the principal loses money, so as soon as possible we will be going back. So I have succumb to watching endless amounts of movies. My fascination with death has caused a strange addiction to anything with zombies. Not just a slight addiction, a full 24 hour eyes watching zombies.

The hope of people rising from the dead one day lingers in my mind. Maybe Jason will come bursting in that door hobbling limbs dangling, head hung over, and eyes lifeless. Of course he would be pining for my brain and flesh. I may let him have it, or at least let him bite me. Then I would be a zombie with him. I would feel no emotion. I would just have an uneasy hunger for human skin, but at least I would not feel alone. Alone. Alone like I feel right now.

             Well long story short Nano No Wrimo is stressing me out. It is like the elephant in the room in my daily life. It just sits there and mocks me saying, "You should be writing right now." Every free second I have time it keeps tryng to force me to type. Even if I am in class it beckons me to write on my google docs app on my iphone. I have not given into much of this temptation which makes me disappointed in my self. So my goal for this next week is to try and write more. To take legitimate time out of my already busy day too actually write. I really like where my novel is going it is just very hard for me to do fill in details. Getting a plot basis and doing all of the key points is very simple to me. It is more the details and fillers that drive me crazy. Maybe I should take some of what the other writers are doing and jump around a bit. Maybe writing out of order will help me be able to jump back and fill in what is needed.
              Here is a small excerpt from Keira finally bathing after 3 days of wallowing in her room:

She walked me into the bathroom practically dragging me. I felt like a child as she helped me remove my clothing. Every muscle in my body said no. No. No. No. Today you will not function you will sit and mope. No you will not be happy. You will never be happy again. Never.

The soapy suds wash away all of the filth I had on my skin. I could see the dirt still under my fingernails from the mulch of the funeral. I almost felt like I was back to being 6 years old. Whenever I was younger I would play outside for hours upon hours. Climbing the old sycamore tree outback seeing how high I could climb. I would occasionally go on my own adventure in the woods trying to find sticks and stones of such. That phase did not last long because of my young fear of the wolf from little red riding hood eating me. I imagined his jaws chomping me in half leaving my mother to find the decapitated remains of my body. A violent death with blood and guts galore. I would be gone from dawn until dusk, and no one would know where I was. Then some jogging women would find me and I would appear on the seven o' clock news. “Little girl of 8 was found mauled by some sort of wild animal in the woods. Probably a bear because they are the local attackers of this area. More later I’m Ron Withersong, Goodnight.” Then my mother would committ suicide because I am the only pride and joy in her life. It would turn into some tragic Shakesperean novel of some sort, so I stopped going into the woods. Regardless of what I did, I was very far from the definition of clean when I arrived home.  My mother would throw my body in the tub and scrub all the gunk from me, then repeat the cycle again the following day. She always used some type of lavender shampoo that I could never seem to find whenever I looked for it. “ Keira it is going to be impossible to get this shake out, what did you do pour it all over self?”

              This is my first blog since Nano Wrimo has started. Woot woot! Just kidding I am actually pretty terrified of this whole thing. My worst problem with writing is that I always give up. No matter how well along I am if I hit a road block I view it as a sign to hault. I am most nervous however that I am not going to meet my goals, but I will try my hardest to perservere. I just need to write, write, write, and write again. I have decided I am not going to fret too much on editing and grammar until much later. My goal is to get my words I need for the month and then go back and fix what I need.
This week we have been discussing mood and plot and how it affects my story. I have not written a new excerpt from a very different place where the mood could change. Most of what I have written is Keira at her house. So I decided I will just put in a small excerpt of Keira waking up after she has thrown a milkshake from a couple nights before. She threw this out of anger for Jason's death.

Excerpt:

“Keira, I made you lunch.” Knocks pound on my door.

“Go Away.” I scream into my fist. My head was pounding with rage. I looked around me and saw that I was still on the floor. The song had stopped playing on the record player but the milkshake was still spread everywhere. It was even in my hair,gooey and black, causing knots.

“But Keira it is your favorite after all. Grilled Cheese with Ketchup on the side.” I rolled over in my bed and looked out the window…. thank god for black-out curtains. It had to be at least around noon.“Mom please let me sleep I’m exhausted.”

“Keira honey you have been in there for three days now….” Her voice choked back sobs.

Had it really been that long? It only felt like mere seconds since the funeral. The hydrangas, the music, the black caskets. Had I really slept away three days of my miserable life? I huffed on my hand to smell my breath: death. My armpit smelled like a mix of trashcan and indian soup . My stomach was growling in a fit of mumbles. It probably hated me right now.

“Okay mom come in but please be quiet I have a headache.” I heard the lock turn on the door.

“ OH MY GOD. Keira did something die in here?” My mom immeadiatey fumbled for the lights, causing me to jerk the nearest shirt over my eyes and let out a squeal. My mom’s eyes verted to me in the corner crusted in the milkshake.

“Oh honey what is going on….” She ran to me concerned placing the tray on the foot of my bed.

My mom carefully stepped over my mounds of clothes and touched my hair. I handed her the picture that was ruined from the water damage. She slowly realized what had happened and kissed my forehead. “Keira I am gonna run you a bath and clean you up okay?” I nodded.

“But first you need to eat .” She shoved the grill cheese into my lap and kissed my forehead again for the second time. The smell almost made me nauseated. With my stomach having not ingested food in days, even the slightest smell made me want to vomit. But then again it did look appetizing.

Thanks For Reading(:

1/2. Describe Your Set-Up/2. Describe Your Inciting Incident
      Shots are fired. The students are running in the hallway left and right flinging themselves in front of others. Students are falling. Pools of blood drip on the floor. Screams of terror enrage in the hallways. Keira and her friends are sprinting. All the doors have been barred, no one can get out.
It is just her and Jason. Hands intertwined they try to find a safe spot to hide. Footsteps are being heard from around the corner. Keira's heart races. She feels her end is about to come.
        A scared boy appears around the corner. Jason starts to speak to him cooing him to calm down that it will be okay. A black hooded figure rounds the corner. Keira recognizes the face. The brown eyes, the red floppy hair. His name was Leeam. He was in her chemistry class with Norman last symester. A big guy he was always ridiculed. But why would he do this?
        Leeam lifts up the gun and starts to point it at the scared boy. Jason on instincts lunges himself at the body pulling away from Keira. She starts to wail and crawl toward him on the ground. Blood is gushing everywhere. She tries to apply pressure as she holds him in her arms, rocking his limp body. She hears another shot and the boy falls to the ground. The light from Jason's eyes have vanished.
"What are you waiting for, SHOOT ME YOU BIG FUCKING COWARD!" Keira is heaving in grief, the crimson blood all over her body. She closes her eyes.... but she hears footsteps walk away.
He had saved her. But why? Keira looks all around her and sees death. Her one true love is lying their completely useless. She kisses him." Let me die too" she begs. Keira holds him for what seems like hours rocking back and forth in shock. Until she heard a new set of footsteps. A blue man in uniform prys her off of Jasons body.
Keira kicks and screams, not wanting to part from him. A small needle is injected in her arm and she starts to drift.

3. Describe Some of Your Rising Action:
1) Keira throws the milkshake across the room. It was her boyfriends favorite milkshake. She does this after the owner of the dinner mistakenly gives it to her. Thsi incident does not happen until Keira goes home and has a flashback of Jason.
2) Keira is forced to go back to school and relive the events. When she arrives at the school she has a flashback of the shooting. It goes into detail in a long chapter about what happened that day and all the events that lead up to it.
3) After the previous event Leeam's character gets introduced and you find out his motives why he did not shoot her ect.
4) Keira becomes obsessed with death and attempts to committ suicide.
5) Flashes to about 2 years later. The summer before college starts, she meets an attractive male at a coffee shop. (Leeam after he reinvents himself for her.)

4. Describe Your Climax:
My climax will take place when Keira and Leeam are deep into their relationship. After spending a night at his house for the first time. Keira goes into the "secret" room she can not enter. Once he has fallen asleep she steals his keys and enters the room finding pictures and maps tracking her every move. She runs to the room to grab her stuff. He is already awake and realizes that she has found him out. He grabs her and throws her to the ground. She hits her head and become unconcious.

5. Describe Your Falling Action:
        Keira awakens and Leeam starts to tell her his side of the story and how he was in love with her. She finally sees his psychotic side, but he is really vulnerable. After the story she acts like she loves him back, kissing him she hits him in the head with a lamp. He races after her with his gun, they get in a tussle and she kills him. Calls the police. The epilogue is then the aftermath. How she has finally found peace and sanity from the situation and she drinks a cookies and cream milkshake.

Nano Wri Mo

              Nano Wrimo is going to be a very large challenge for me this year. I honestly have a lot of struggle with writer's block. Whenever I have a block in my writing I normally quit and give up. Most of the great ideas that I omce had or started with never end up happening. When you put something down for a really long time it loses it interest and its substance.
               I will be continuing with my earlier project about the school shooting. I am very much invested into my plot line and how everything is going to work out. I feel like this will save me a lot of time than if I started a new project. I already have a start on the novel and a vivid picture of my characters. The insight into Keira's perpetration of her daily struggles has become apparent in the way I have written it. Although I have slightly lost my interest in the topic overall, I think I will be glad I stuck with my novel at the end. Since I have not fully written a novel before I am kind of excited to start Nano Wri-Mo. Althought it is going to be a challenge I think my goal is going to be 10,000 words. I hopefully will get at least one of my character's perspectives completely done. Since I have both character's perspectives (Keira and Leeam) I split them up to solely focus on one characters dynamics. This should be a long hard journey but I am ready for the challenge.

                  This week I have been putting an outline into what I am going to do for my 20% project presentation. I want to provide a full cast list of the characters for my story, if it was adapted into a movie. I am going to add a slide about inspirations and the novel that inspired to make me write this book. I have not gotten a chance to write much more, so I am just going to add my favorite excerpts from the novel.
                   I have still not decided on my title for my book. So any suggestions would be very helpful. My whole plot is outlined. I am really excited to present what I have done so far.

                     This week I have finally wound out my whole plot line. Although my writing is not very far along I think with my details and character evaluations. I have completed the work will run along more quickly. Ultimatley deciding that I will write from Keira's perspective and then the shooters perspective, is going to make writing this  easier. Switching from two seperate positions was going to be difficult wothout some type of break. So splitting them up is going to make writing this book less complicated.
                      This book will be a 300 page novel roughly. It is mainly going to focus on Keira's perspective in her life as she goes through this teen period. Then I will reflect her in a short section at the end, of her as an adult. Her teen years will mainly center around her grief and longing for her friends she once had in her life. Every couple of chapters I will conclude with flashbacks of the characters, and ultimately with all of them a bitter sweet goodbye. Not that she is forgetting about them, but no longer grieving. As she enters adult hood it will be about how she is doing and how the shooting affected her life now. The book will end with her in a coffe shop meeting, Leeam, (the shooter) now taking on the name Jason. (That is the name of Keira's boyfriend Leeam shot.)
                       Once the audience has developed an attachment to Keira and has a good grip on the story I will add Leeam's perspective. This will be halfway through the novel and reveal his twisted mind. It will explore his journey on how he escaped his conviction and a look into his psychopathic mindset. The only thing he wants in life is for Keira to love him. Over the years he became obsessed with her, stalking her. Leeam completely changes his appearance, hair color, talking voice, and charcater to make sure Keira never notices who he really is when they meet. He carefully plans this out. At the end of the novel his detailed plan is going to pull through of him meeting her.
Then I am adding an epilogue chapter of their wedding night when she finally sees the place they are going to live. Covered in pictures and intertwined webs of her and her friends that died. It will end with a scream.
                   Here is another excerpt of her and Jason's last moment captured together.

       Chapter 3: #27

Jason told me that he wanted us to have an adventure on my birthday, a real true adventure.

I was awoken that morning with a blindfold placed over my eyes.

“ Dont worry I am just a kidnapper, stealing you.” Jason used his best version of an evil villain to maniacally laugh, but he sounded more like a squeaky toy.

“Oh no” I threw my hands up dramatically.

“Now do not fight me I do not want to beat you.”

My feet scrambled to find ground on the floor amongst all the rubble of my clothing.

“Dont worry I’ve got you.” he whispered guiding me through the maze, hands softly on my hips.

His touch was so magnetic, it sent a whole shock through-out my body.

“Good Morning Jason.” my moms voice chirped.

“ Mrs. Robinson, I am not this Jason you speak of…” he coughed changing his voice octave to much lower.

“ It is me a kidnapper, making sure that this girl has the worst birthday ever!”
My mother gasped, “OH NO! I should call the cops!”

“ I’ll have her back by 10.”

“Have fun Keira do not be too long.” moms foot steps creaked away.

I could smell the dew on the early morning gras.

Warm sun hit my face basking my body in the bright day.

“Ow.” I shrieked scraping my toe on something sharp on the ground.

It really hurt, not like the simple “oh I stubbed my toe.”

It felt like something had gone right through my foot.

“OH MY GOD.” Jason panicked and reached down picking up my foot.

“ What is it? Its not like I cut my foot open right?” I laughed, but there was no reply.

“Take off my blindfold” I pleaded.

“ Uhhh…… I do not think thats such a great idea.”

He touched the sore spot where it hurt, I screamed in pain.

Jason swept me up in his arms and took me inside the house.

“ Umm Mrs Franklin, I need you to come down here, But you have to promise not to kill me.”
“ Jason, you are ridiculous, what’s going on?!” her footsteps fumbled down the stairs.

“ Jason Donald Wynchester.!” She ran over to my foot causing me to scream again.

“ Will someone take off this damn blindfold?” My heart was racing.

Slowly the blindfold was taken off my face and fell on the floor like silk.

My small foot was covered in blood, dripping down my arch.

There was a rusted nail busted through the top of my foot.

My eyes grew wide, “ UMM AMBULANCE PLEASE?”

It was really weird, I never felt the pain in my foot until it was pointed out to me.

The whole way in the ambulance I was screaming.

Every bump or turn in the road causing my foot to move even slightly caused great pain.

Jason was holding my hand and kissing it sweetly.

This made it feel a small bit better, he was being so tender running his hand back and forth over my delicate finger.

I could hear the clanging of his dog tags against each other.

Jason planned on enrolling in the army after high school.

That was what made me fall in love with him in the first place.

Whenever we first met he was wearing a green suited uniform.

God, did he look cute in that uniform.

There was so much passion and heart when he spoke.

It was like warm liquid sliding down my throat.

Soothing as the voice swept my ears, twirling around the vibrations.

I was mesmerized at how comforting it was just to hear the riffs in his voice.

I paid careful attention the way his voice carried on certain words.

So I always knew when he was near me.

He just made me feel safe and loved.

Unlike anything I have ever heard about in books or movies.

They always talk about how passionate and undeniable their love was.

Ours was just simple, perfectly simple.

I was perfectly content with the way he furrowed his brows, stomped his feet whenever he walked, and the way he got a little heated when he was angry.

This is what they should portray in movies, real love.

Not the crazy hysterically obsessed love, the realistic one that fills your body with a feeling of being wanted and safe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was out for about 2 hours when they put me to sleep to take the nail out.

It was a simple procedure. I got a tetanus shot, that is about it.

He had brought my camera with him so we could take pictures of this wonderful birthday I was going to have.

Although I pushed for him to reveal his plans, he would not let on.

He promised me next year, next year would be the best birthday ever.

He scribbled the list on a small sheet of yellow note pad paper, I could see it stuck in his pocket.

I wanted to grab it, but I secretly wanted to wait so the mystery would keep me excited.

To distract me he pulled my camera out of his backpack.

“Picture?” He winced.

There in that musty mildew smelling room, we took a picture.

The lighting was terrible and my hair looked  like a tumbleweed of straw, but it was perfect.

Jason kissed my forehead while I placed my hand on his structured rib cage.

My lips were shaped into a pretty pout.

We just looked so simple, so happy, so in love…….

I threw the milkshake across the room.

The gooey mesh smeared everywhere.

Ruining my walls, and the carpet along with it.

I turned to my stereo and put on “Songbird.”

For once I did not even care.